To live or to die?

I have frequently thought about a passage from Philippians 1 since I was diagnosed with cancer.  The apostle Paul is in a Roman prison and awaiting trial.  He does not know what is going to happen to him.  He could be found guilty and killed for fomenting dissension and rebellion against Rome or he could be exonerated and set free.  In vv. 19-20 he asserts that he knows that by their prayers and the help given to him by the Spirit of Jesus these circumstances will result in his salvation. The reason for his confidence is that he knows he will have courage so that he will not be ashamed but that Jesus will be honored in his body, whether by life or by death.

This is such an important thing which Paul says.  He knows that going on trial and being faced with imminent death could cause him to be ashamed of Christ, to not hold fast to him and thus dishonor Christ.  However, he also knows that by the prayers of God's people for him and by the help which the Holy Spirit will give him he will have courage and not be ashamed but will hold fast and honor Christ whether he lives or he dies.  So here is a great thing to be praying for any Christian you know that is undergoing suffering: pray that the pain and stress will not cause them to be ashamed of Christ and thus dishonor him but that he or she will have sufficient courage to glorify Christ no matter what happens.

Then Paul makes one of his most well known statements which has been the source of countless Christians' ability to withstand all manner of suffering (v.21): "For to me to live is Christ and to die is gain."  Then in the next couple of verses he explains what he means by this succinct declaration of Christian faith and motivation.  Here is what he says in vv.22-25, "If I am to live in the flesh, that means fruitful labor for me. Yet which I shall choose I cannot tell.  I am hard pressed between the two. My desire is to depart and be with Christ, for that is far better.  But to remain in the flesh is more necessary on your account.  Convinced of this, I know that I will remain and continue with you all, for your progress and joy in the faith..."

Paul's whole life is about Jesus: knowing him, trusting him, loving him, obeying him, proclaiming him.  But he knows that what he knows of the beauty and worth of Jesus in this life is nothing compared to what it will be like in the next life.  Therefore, as he wants Christ more than he wants anything else he wants to die and to be with Jesus most of all.  Here is the very challenging thing he asserts: dying and being with Christ is "far better" than remaining alive here.  The emotion he is reflecting here is not hard to understand.  We enjoy "skyping" (is that even a word?) with our son and daughter-in-law and our 4 grandsons (with another on the way) in Kentucky.  And our circumstances require that this is how we relate at this time.  However, if we could choose our current situation or being with them, well...being with them is far better.  We would gladly, if it were possible, go live near them.  However, it is not possible for many different reasons, but mostly because our work is here.

John Piper asks a very difficult, challenging, even frightening question in view of Paul's sentiment which is to be the sentiment of every born again child of God.  He asks: "If you could go to heaven and enjoy perfect health, eat your favorite foods and spend your time doing the things you most enjoy and be with all your favorite people and all this without any guilt BUT Jesus was not there, would you want to go?"  He says that how you answer that question reveals whether or not you are truly a Christian.  Because to the Christian, the greatest good, the highest joy is to be with the one who has saved her and who is the object of her highest affections.

Paul is confident, that in spite of the fact that his fondest wish is to be with Christ, that this imprisonment will not end in death because he knows that the Philippian church and many others still need him to preach and teach the gospel.  He knows that he is still needed so that through him others will make progress and have joy in the faith.  We are not told whether or not this confidence that he is going to keep on living is the result of a "special revelation" from God or simply the result of his personal reflection on the situation.

I cannot speak with the same confidence which Paul has in asserting that I am going to survive the cancer.  However, it certainly does feel to me that my remaining in the flesh is more necessary for my wife and my children, especially for Jared, my grandchildren and my dear friends and brothers and sisters in Christ at River Hills Community Church.  It does not feel to me that my work is done.  Yet again, there are many far more faithful and fruitful Christian husbands and fathers and grandfathers and pastors who have been struck down early in life, when it appeared they had far more to do.  So I guess we pray for courage to hold fast and not dishonor Christ in life and in death and we ask God to kill the cancer so that I can finish the work God has for me to do.

Talking to yourself

The other day, though I was feeling 80% "normal" physically, I was moping around the house mainly because I was thinking about the fact that I have to go back to get chemotherapy this next Monday and then I have to do it seven more times after that.  My wife said to me, "You need to go read your blog."  What my wife was observing is what the family members of every professing Christian knows, we don't live as well as we talk.  Or, to say it another way, the members of our family know about us that we know how to live far better than we  actually live. 

However, there is something very true about the advice my wife gave to me.  If we are going to make progress in the Christian life, if we are going to remain faithful to Christ through trials and temptation, we need to learn to talk to ourselves.  In Psalm 42 the psalmist is discouraged.  His soul, he says is "downcast within him".  He longs for the "old days" when he was close to God and joined in the worship of God with the community of faith.  But now he is far from God and from people and is very discouraged.  His enemies taunt him, saying to him, "Where is your God?"  Twice in the psalm he talks to himself.  This is what he says (vv.5-6): "Why are you cast down, O my soul, and why are you in turmoil within me? Hope in God; for I shall again praise him, my salvation and my God. My soul is cast down within me; therefore I remember you..."

He knows that he does not need to be discouraged because he will, one day praise and worship God again.  He will be near to God again because God is his God and his salvation.  So he asks himself, "Why are you downcast and in turmoil?"  There is no need for discouragement.  Yes things are tough now but his is not a permanent situation.  This will end and I will be with God and will delight in him once again because he is the God who has saved me.  I will once again join with all God's people in the fellowship of praise to God.  Thus now I will hope in God, not in any human deliverance, not in my own goodness or strength, but in this God who is my salvation.  Then he tells the Lord that he remembers him in the midst of his trouble.  It is quite clear in the psalm that the trouble is not over, but it is by means of his talking to himself and remembering the Lord that he is able to persevere through the difficulty.

This is a very important practice for living the Christian life.  We must learn to talk to ourselves, to remind ourselves of what God has done for us in Christ and what he is going to do for us in the future.  As John Piper has said, we must preach the gospel to ourselves every day.  By this we remember what is true for us and this strengthens us to persevere in the midst of the trouble.  As Paul exhorts Timothy in 2 Timothy 2:8, "Remember Jesus Christ, risen from the dead, the offspring of David, as preached in my gospel..."  Thus my wife was correct in telling me to read my blog because as I do, I am talking to myself, reminding myself of God's promises and of the future that is mine in Christ and thus strengthening my resolve to hold fast to Christ and not be such a gloomy person.

The temptations of suffering

I was thinking this morning about an essay I first read many years ago and have reviewed numerous times since then.  The title of the essay is "Teach us to care, teach us not to care" and it is written by Eugene Peterson, a well known author but more importantly a now retired pastor and seminary professor.  The essay is about the process of pastoral counseling.  He recognizes that most of the people who come to pastors for counsel are suffering in some way.  His point in the article is to remind those who counsel that this person who comes for help and who you want to help is not only the victim of suffering but also an agent, an actor.  He has not only been sinned against, or had some trouble happen to him, but he also chooses and acts himself. 

A main point that he makes in the essay, which I was thinking about this morning, is that all those who suffer often use the occasion of their misfortune to get their own way.  While God is trying to do a work of spiritual growth through the trouble, those who are the victim of trouble are often tempted to use the trouble to get their own selfish way, rather than allow God to use the trouble to make them holy.  This is a very real temptation for all of us who are suffering any sort of misfortune.


I see the problem in myself.  Last week while I was feeling pretty sick, I was sitting on the couch with my 13 year old daughter.  The TV show we were watching was one of her choosing and which I was not interested in watching.  So I suggested to her that since I was the one with cancer and not feeling well because of chemo-therapy, she ought to let me watch what I wanted to watch.  I gave in to the temptation to use my illness to get my way and in so doing I sinned.  I was not in any way concerned about my daughter.  I was only thinking about me.  Being sick does not exempt me from my responsibility to love my daughter.  I don’t have the right to manipulate her.  I can ask her to change the channel.  We can negotiate a mutually satisfactory solution to one TV and two different tastes.  However I do not have the right to use my illness to get what I want from her.

Speaking of the TV; here is another temptation facing those who suffer; at least it seems like a temptation for this sufferer.  I know that God has sent this trouble to me so that I might share his holiness, that my faith might be proved genuine and thus result in glory when Christ returns.  I know that the Scripture says that the source of joy for the believer who suffers is the knowledge of Christ’s saving work and that glorious future that awaits (1 Peter 1:3-6).  However, in my day to day suffering I find it far easier to sit in front of the TV and find “joy” in watching the Brewers play baseball or watch another episode of “Chopped” (That’s a cooking show for the uninitiated), or watch a movie than to actually seek God’s help to be satisfied in Christ.  Now I know that there is a place for being distracted from the discomfort by watching entertainment.  However, I also know that some of my TV watching is really a replacement for finding my joy in Christ.  I know that I could use the energy I do have to pray and read and talk with my wife rather than vegetate in front of the TV.  I am tempted and sometimes succumb to the temptation to use my sickness as an excuse to not seek God or do any other useful thing.

There are other temptations that face those who suffer which I may discuss in the future.  However, one thing that strikes me as I reflect on these two temptations and their accompanying sins: those who suffer need to pray “The Lord’s Prayer” as much as those who are not at the moment suffering.  I need God to make his name appear glorious to me.  I need Christ to rule my heart, to be my king.  I need to do God’s will today, while I am sick.  I need God to provide me with the physical strength and stamina to do his will today.  I need him to forgive my sins as I’ve forgiven those who have sinned against me.  I need God to not lead me into temptations that will lead to me sinning but I need him to deliver me from the evil one.  Pray it for me and I will pray it for you.

The road ahead

To be honest these last three days have been discouraging.  I had hoped, "expected", to do better, be better and I was not.  I wasn't able to coach soccer this morning (Thanks Joe for your help) and I saw a guy out riding his bike with all his bike stuff on, same color as mine and thought, "I wonder if I'll ever be able to do that again."  I have a hard time not thinking about 8 more times, 16 more weeks.  Then there is the thought of what if the cancer comes back in six months.  I know, bad thoughts.  Need to live in the day.

In the midst of my pessimism a friend reminded me of a passage in Luke 9.  After he feeds the five thousand with a few fish and loaves of bread, is transfigured before Peter, James and John on the mountain, appearing in his glory with Moses and Elijah and then heals a epileptic/demon possessed son for a father we are told about Jesus in v. 51: "When the days drew near for him to be taken up, he set his face to go to Jerusalem."  The days of happy ministry were over, now was the time for our Lord to begin his journey to Jerusalem where he "would be taken up", that is, he would be betrayed, tortured, and crucified.  In that crucifixion he would suffer all of God's furious wrath against all the sins of all who were to trust in him.  He set his face to go to Jerusalem so he could go to hell for us.

He knew exactly what awaited him.  Just before this, on the mountain of transfiguration he had told Peter, James and John (v.22), "The Son of Man must suffer many things and be rejected by the elders and chief priests and scribes, and be killed, and on the third day be raised."  He knew and yet he set his face to go there.  He became resolute and determined to reach the bitter end.  Again, we ask, how did Jesus, who was fully human like you and I do this?  He did it for "the joy set before him" (Heb. 12:2).  He did it because he knew that God would never let his "Holy One see decay" and that "in your presence there is fullness of joy; at your right hand are pleasures forevermore" (Psalm 16:10-11).  He did it because he knew that his Father was going to glorify him in his presence with the same glory he had prior to his coming to earth to walk down this lonely, bitter road (John 17:5).  He was able to do the hardest thing that any human, any being has ever done, to suffer the wrath of God for the sins of others because of his confidence that what lay on the other side was infinitely superior to the sufferings endured to obtain it.

The same promises are held out to every suffering Christian.  Here again is one of my favorites: "Therefore, we do not lose heart.  Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day.  For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all.  Therefore, we fix our eyes not on what is seen but on what is unseen because what is seen is temporary but what is unseen is eternal."  Here is a good word for me.  This is the road God has called me to walk down so I must set my face to do so.  I must not lose heart.  These are but light and momentary troubles (especially in comparison to what my Lord suffered) and they are, like his sufferings before me, achieving, producing an eternal glory that is far superior to this pain. 

So Lord, grant that my eyes might be fixed on that coming, eternal world of glory and not on this temporary world of trouble.  Forgive me for not following faithfully, resolutely in my Savior's footsteps.  Thank you that my future is secure because of what he suffered and not because of my faithfulness.  Amen.

A blank mind

Not feeling very well today.  Low energy.  Shaky and weak.  Queasy.  Pray for courage and endurance and hope and joy in the coming salvation and faith in the God who raises the dead and that I not be a whiner.  Thanks.

Good to be afflicted

I received my fourth round of chemo-therapy today.  Aside from all the strange sensations in various parts of my body, I feel OK at the moment.

Psalm 119 is the longest chapter in the Bible, comprised of 176 verses.  The psalm is an acrostic psalm, which means that in the original Hebrew the psalm is comprised of 22 stanzas with 8 lines in each stanza.  Each of the lines in a stanza begins with one of the 22 letters of the Hebrew alphabet.  The stanzas are arranged alphabetically, Ayin to Tav (In the English language that would be A-Z).  The theme of the psalm is the wonder and beauty and truthfulness and faithfulness of God’s word, his law.  It is perhaps most famous for three verses in the opening two stanzas.  Verse 9 reads: “How can a young man keep his way pure? By guarding it according to your word.”  Verse 11 reads: “I have stored up (treasured) your word in my heart, that I might not sin against you.” Verse 18 reads: “Open my eyes, that I may behold wondrous things out of your law.”

The second summer after I became a Christian I read and re-read this psalm scores of times.  The passion of the psalmist for God’s word and his confidence in it captured my heart and my imagination.  During that summer I noted that the psalm contained a number of statements regarding the affliction that the psalmist was experiencing.  At the time, as a young 21 year old, they made little impression on me.  Over the years as I have read the psalm I have noted and, especially since Jared’s accident, paid more attention to these prayers of the psalmist.  Here is a list of ways in which the psalmist relates his affliction to God and his word:

Psalm 119:50, “This is my comfort in my affliction, that your promise gives me life.”

Psalm 119:67, “Before I was afflicted I went astray, but now I keep your word.”

Psalm 119:71,”It is good for me that I was afflicted, that I might learn your statutes.”

Psalm 119:75, “I know, O LORD, that your rules are righteous, and that in faithfulness you have afflicted me.”

Psalm 119:92, “If your law had not been my delight, I would have perished in my affliction.”

Psalm 119:107, “I am severely afflicted; give me life, O LORD, according to your word!”

Psalm 119:153, “Look on my affliction and deliver me, for I do not forget your law.”

First, notice in v. 75 that the same God how has given to us a righteous word, that is, a word which arises from and corresponds to God’s good and perfect and absolutely righteous character has also, out of that same flawless, faithful character afflicted the psalmist.  The afflictions that God’s people experience come from their faithful God.  This is not the first time we have noted that this is what the Bible says.

Second, notice vv. 71 and 67.  In 71, being afflicted is a good thing.  That sounds exactly like what Paul says in 2 Corinthians 12 when he boasts all the more gladly in his weaknesses (afflictions).  He would agree with the Psalmist it is good for me that I was afflicted.  For the psalmist, why was it good?  The affliction caused him to “learn God’s word” in ways he could not have ever learned the truthfulness of that word without the affliction.  But it is good not only because he learns God’s word better but also, by means of the affliction, he obeys God’s word better (v.67).  He is sharing in the holiness of God in a greater way because of the trouble.  I can testify in my own life that Jared’s accident and the 10 years of caring for him since it and now the cancer has caused me to pursue knowing and trusting/obeying his word.  It matters more to me because, I think in part, I realize that this is no game.  Life is serious business because heaven and hell hang in the balance, because the glory of God and the welfare of God’s church hang in the balance.

Third, notice vv. 50 and 92.  What is the source of all the comfort in the midst of taking chemo-therapy and facing the fact I can die way sooner than I planned from cancer all the while living with my brain injured son?  God’s promise in Christ gives to me life, not only eternal life but hope to live out this life as faithfully as I can.  Then, anyone who knows me has heard me say something very close to v. 92.  I have no question that if it were not for the fact that in the early 1990’s, as a result of God’s opening my eyes to the fact that everything is about him and the goal of life is to know and be known by this great God, I began a regular program of bible memorization and bible reading and reading good books about Christian doctrine, I would not still be a pastor and probably not a Christian.  From the human point of view, if God’s word had not been my delight for the previous decade, I could not have stood in the face of Jared’s accident and now my cancer.

Finally, notice how the psalmist prays in vv.107 & 153.  He is honest with God about his condition.  “I am severely afflicted.”  This sucks.  It hurts.  It is not pleasant.  And then the request, “Give me life.”  That is both a prayer for healing and a prayer for final salvation.  This is obvious when we see the qualifying clause, “according to your word.”  The life I want is the life you have promised in your word which is ultimately eternal life.  The clause also is a statement of God, I want your will to be done in my case exactly as you have promised in your word.  Again we should hear the prayer of Jesus in the Garden and the prayer of Paul for deliverance from the thorn.  Finally, in v. 153 he pleads for deliverance because he has not forgotten God’s word.  This is not an assertion of merit or that somehow because he has loved God’s word God is somehow obligated to repay him with deliverance.  He is simply asserting that he is asking in accord with what God promises and trusting God to do what God has said in this word which he has hidden in his heart.  So our prayers for the afflicted are most effective when they are directed by and in accord with all that God has said in his word.

My word to you is to begin today to make it your aim to “treasure this word in your heart,” by at the minimum, daily reading of it and attending a church where the Bible is being taught in its detail, not simply as a book of good quotes or as a book of inspirational thoughts.

What not to think

What should you think when you observe or find out about the suffering of others?  When tornadoes level an entire town or a tsunami overwhelms an entire coast or a person dies in a car accident or someone gets cancer or a spouse commits adultery or...., what should you think?  Fortunately we are not left to our own wisdom or imagination.  Jesus addresses this exact question.  His answer is recorded for us in Luke 13:1-5.  There is a crowd of people around and there were some in the crowd who informed Jesus about a horrific incident that had taken place in Jerusalem.  Some Jewish people from Galilee had gone to Jerusalem to offer sacrifices and for some reason which we are not told, the Roman governor, Pilate sent his soldiers into the temple to kill them while they were making sacrifices so that their blood mingled with the blood of their sacrifices.  Here is a report of terrible suffering which has come upon a group of Jewish Galileans.

Here is what Jesus says in response to this bit of gossip: "Do you think that these Galileans were worse sinners than all the other Galileans, because they suffered in this way?  No, I tell you; but unless you repent, you will all likewise perish.  Or those eighteen on whom the tower in Siloam fell and killed them: do you think that they were worse offenders than all the others who lived in Jerusalem?  No, I tell you; but unless you repent, you will all likewise perish."

Do you hear what Jesus is saying?  Did these people, both the Galileans who were butchered by the Roman soldiers and the 18 people who were killed when a tower collapsed, die like this because they were worse sinners than all the other people of their region or city?  Jesus is confronting a persistent, self-righteous and erroneous attitude that regularly prevails among religious people.  "These people are suffering because they have done terrible things, far worse than others."  Implicit in this condemnation is not simply the assertion they are worse than others but that they are worse than me.  Implicit in the accusation is the claim that the reason I am not suffering like that is because I'm not as bad as they are. 

It is the same attitude and opinion that animated the condemnation of Jobs four friends as they insisted that the reason all the bad stuff happened to Job was because of his terrible sins.  Jesus, in agreement with what the Lord says at the end of Job to his "friends" tells us that whenever we see the suffering of others we should NEVER think or say, "It must be because they are worse sinners than me and lots of other people."  Pat Robertson, the famous host of "The 700 Club" and supposed Christian spokesperson asserted, following the horrible earthquake in Haiti, that the reason God sent the earthquake to Haiti is because of how prevalent voodoo was in that country.  By implication he was saying the reason he has never been in an earthquake is because he is better than the Haitians.  He did exactly what Jesus says we are to never do.  Rather than taking the occasion to repent he took it as an occasion to boast of his goodness and judge others as worse than he.

However, the main point that Jesus wants to make is this: when we see the sufferings of others we should think: "Lord have mercy on me for I am a sinner."  We should see ourselves as we truly are: hell-deserving sinners who need to turn from our sins and seek forgiveness on the basis of Christ's death and resurrection.  Their are two implications in what Jesus says.  First, we are all sinners who deserve to suffer and die.  Perferct justice in the world would be for all of us to be killed and sent to hell forever.  Second, all the sufferings in the world are the rumblings of hell.  They are signs of the impending judgment that is going to come upon the whole world and so we should take every occasion of suffering that we observe to make sure that we have repented and are trusting in Jesus and fighting against our own sins.  Obviously, we are also called upon to help those who suffer, like our Savior helped the suffering.  But our first response to all observed suffering is to repent so we do not perish forever in hell and never think that others are suffering because they are worse than us.